Whole
by megelizabethvh88
Summary: Eric slips up with his words in a private moment, forcing himself to come clean about his feelings for Michael and Neil.


**DISCLAIMER:** This is just a warning that the story you're about to read contains mature content. It is rated so for language and strong sexuality. These are things that I feel are in everyday life and because it is in everyday life, it shouldn't be excluded from what we read. Also, I do NOT own any characters (unless said otherwise) in these stories, and of course, some timelines may be different than real life. This warning was written for you, the reader, to be prepared for what your eyes may seek, and thank you for taking the time to read my stories. So if you don't like it, then get the hell out of here.

Includes lyrics to "Lovesong" by the Cure.

* * *

Neil closed his eyes and held his breath to focus his attention elsewhere. However, it was difficult to think of anything other than the heavy panting on the back of his neck and the quick, shallow thrusts of a body against his, and he opened his eyes again. Across from the bed was a long mirror posted to the wall, and he tilted his head to the right to glimpse the reflection and the vision was brilliant – Eric was lying right on top of him, fists grasping the wrinkled bed sheets tightly at Neil's sides. Eric's head was bowed down with his warm breath on Neil's skin and Eric's long hair tickled across Neil's shoulder blades. He twisted himself at the sensation, which made Eric stop completely. "What are you doing?" his voice was strained.

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I am home again_

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I am whole again_

"It's just that your hair tickled my back," Neil cleared his throat. To be honest, his hips were hurting from the repetitive motions of another body against his, and the pain was trekking up his spine. It was fascinating that he didn't hurt down _there_, as it was a warm rough feeling that was digging deep inside. "Um…are you going to cum?"

"I'm getting close, are you?"

The pressure on Neil's back shifted, as Eric flipped his hair from his eyes and he balanced himself on one hand to wipe sweat from his forehead. It covered his whole body and the more he moved against Neil, the more their sweat worked into a lubricant to keep them slick against each other. "Yeah, me too," Neil admitted, enjoying that Eric was fucking him so wonderfully. However, a change of pace _could_ be – "Can you slow down? I'd like for you and me to get off at the same time,"

It wasn't an awful request, or one that was new. Neil never thought that it was fair for one person to get off before the other, especially when _he_ had difficulties having an orgasm in this fashion – even with Eric, and they had been doing this on and off for quite some time now. He turned his head again to look at the mirror, to observe Eric's response. "Fine, fine. We can go slow, nice and slow," Eric propped himself up again, exhaling quickly and continued his movements inside of Neil.

Eric was fucking Neil, nice and slow; _no_, it's not even _fucking_. They were having sex – _no_ – Neil can't think of the word. No matter what the term was, he found the gentle motions to be more enjoyable than before; not that he didn't like being fucked until he was empty of every ounce of cum, but this was nice too. "This is nice, isn't it?" Neil finally said, still watching the mirror's reflection.

"Feels nice," Eric agreed. "Slow is _nice_…slow is _good_…"

Neil curved his back to lift his hips, accepting more of Eric inside of him, and he could hear, could _feel_ Eric sigh as he was consumed by his bedmate. "I'm glad that you decided to do this. It had been awhile since you've asked me to meet you in private," Neil told Eric.

"Oh, _me too_. I'm glad too," Eric grinned over him, his eyes closed.

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I am young again_

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I am fun again_

Eric hadn't come to Neil for sex in a few weeks, under the influence or sober. So when Neil left the card game with the other troupe members to go get ice and Eric invited him back to his room to smoke, Neil couldn't help but cheer with excitement in the elevator. He had wanted Eric _so bad_ lately; his wife – thatpoorwoman, and he did love her – she wasn't cutting it. In Eric's room, Neil had set down the ice bucket and was reminiscing about the scenes they had shot that day, and Eric was saying barely two words. They had a drink and before Neil could ask about the grass, Eric pressed him anxiously against the mirror and kissed him just as roughly.

"_Where do you want to do it?" Eric asked breathlessly, chewing on Neil's lower lip._

_Neil would have asked for more, as much as he loved it, but it was difficult with his mouth in such a position. "Where do you want to do it?" he murmured, softly kissing Eric's mouth, sucking on _his_ lip and letting it slide out, a shine of saliva on the flesh. And then, he shoved his crotch against Eric's._

_Eric groaned, biting his own lip when he felt himself growing hard at the thought of Neil's naked skin. That flannel shirt was the only thing stopping him – "The bed," Eric gasped._

And now, Neil felt kissing against his crown, and he sighed with more than content at the gesture. Eric could be surprisingly kind at the most random moments. "I was beginning to think you didn't want to do this anymore," Neil tried to joke, although there was truth behind his comment.

Eric shook his head. "I couldn't forget this. God damn, Neil, your arse feels so good,"

A grin broke out over Neil's face. "So does yours. Just you wait, my love, I'm going to turn you over on your back, a pillow under you, hold your legs open…I want to feel them wrapped around me – " he paused then when he felt Eric rubbing against that spot inside of him, and the tiniest shiver sped through him. "Oh, _baby_, that's – that's it…you found it…"

"That's it? That's the spot?" Eric asked.

"That's the spot," Neil curved his back more.

The change of Neil's shape was an invitation for Eric to pick up speed, but he didn't want to. He liked fucking – hard, fast thrusts – but he also liked going slow, pressing deeply into Neil, stroking that tiny spot inside of him with the head of his cock, _nice and slow_. He liked gripping the hips of his partner, jerking against their body, hair in his eyes, but he liked his hands by Neil's shoulders, his mouth whispering against Neil's ear, their bodies balanced together, fitting together perfectly like puzzle pieces. Eric felt Neil _squeeze_ him – "You feel so nice," he murmured, his right hand covered Neil's and held it. Eric's left hand traced Neil's side, capturing his hip bone in a tight grip. "So nice, _so_ nice – "

_Nice_ – the word of Eric's choice to describe anything they did sexually, and he said it dozens of times, which Neil didn't mind. It was a decent word, it wasn't complicated or awkward, and it rolled off the tongue so easily; _good_ was another word he enjoyed using. Neil squeezed again and tilted his head back, a moan bubbling out of his mouth. "I'm going to cum," he announced, licking his lips.

Those were words that Eric had been waiting to hear, and he kissed the back of Neil's head again. "Oh good," he sighed, sounding as if he felt _good_ with Neil's words, and he continued making slow circles with his hips against Neil, grinding _deeper_ inside of his lover. Eric could feel Neil's hand clench beneath his, and it turned over for their fingers to entangle in a tight hold. And Neil _squeezed_, again and again around Eric, his own body shifting under Eric; he could barely hear Eric's moans growing louder with every gentle shift as they came together and Neil knew it was coming. He couldn't help but smile at the idea of Eric speaking the line that he would proclaimed during sex, and it always made Neil feel ecstatic to hear it. Once it would be spoken, he would eagerly return the sentiment – "_Oh!_" Eric was groaning. "_I love you, Michael_ – "

_However far away, I__ will always love you._

_However long I stay, __I will always love you._

_Whatever words I say, __I will always love you._

_I will always love you._

The moment the words left Eric's mouth, an alarm went off in his head. He knew he had messed up and said the wrong name to the wrong person – he had _fucked up_. Slowly, he eased himself out of Neil and rolled onto his back, peeled off the used condom, and reached for anything to wipe himself off. He passed the white undershirt to Neil, who wiped sweat from his body, and they lay in bed. It was silent as death. There were no sounds over the hotel, no people wandering the halls, no doors opening, the elevator was still. Neil wondered if any of their friends had decided to look for him. "I should probably go back – " he started to say.

"I'm sorry," Eric blurted out nervously.

"Its fine," Neil said quickly, tossing aside the undershirt and he sat up. "Um…yes, well, I'm going now,"

Neil got out of bed and began a search for his clothes, deciphering his from Eric's. He found his shorts and slid them on, ignoring the tension in his backside. "_I'm sorry_, Neil," Eric repeated, sounding irritated. "I didn't mean to say…it just slipped out – "

"Why did you say his name? Were you thinking of him?"

He looked at Eric over his shoulder, who was sitting up on the bed with his back against the frame. Eric's lips were twisting together, trying to hold in his words as he thought of the correct ones to use. "I was thinking of him," he finally settled on those words.

Neil waited for Eric to continue. "…Why were you thinking of him?" he asked when the silence filled the space between them. "You were having sex with _me_, so why were you thinking of someone _else_?"

"_I don't know_," Eric replied defensively.

He reached for his cigarettes on the bedside table and lit one, and Neil could see Eric's hands shaking. Eric's hands never shook unless he was nervous, angry, anxious, or _lying_. "I understand that he is…he's a good looking man, yes, I know that. But _we_ were – " he paused as thoughts began to creep into his mind. "Have you two ever slept together?"

Eric crossed his arms over his chest, his cigarette burning between his fingers, and he looked towards his feet. "Yes, we use to sleep together,"

"When?"

"What does it matter?"

Neil scoffed. "It's _Michael_ – he's one of our closest friends, _and_ he's married. _And_ you and I are _both_ married, _and_ we're sleeping together. We've been fucking for six years, for Christ sake!"

He stood by the bed in his shorts, watching Eric not look at him, and he found it incredibly annoying. _Why_ wasn't Eric looking at him? And now Eric was sighing as if Neil was bothering him! Where did he get off acting like that? "We were fucking seven years ago,"

"In sixty-seven?"

"In sixty-eight."

Neil paused to think. "That's when we started fucking, _six years ago_! So you and Michael were fucking at the same time that you and I were?"

Another sigh erupted from Eric. "You and I started fucking after Michael and I were done…after he decided to be done with me,"

His voice was quiet and low, his eyes _still_ on his feet. Neil wasn't sure what to say now, as he didn't know that bringing up Eric's relationship with Michael would make Eric so depressed. "Why did he want it to be over?"

"Helen had become pregnant and Michael didn't want to continue fucking with me when she was having his baby," Eric explained. "And…I was lonely…you were there – "

"So you just decided I was 'the one' because I was available? What did I do, walk in front of you and you thought my arse was just right?" Neil demanded. "That's terrible, Eric, just fucking terrible. What made you thinking that was right? You can't just use people like that. All this time, I thought you loved me. I mean, I knew you loved Lyn, but I didn't know that she and I were the two side dishes to Michael, the main course!"

Neil turned away, in search of his pants, but turned back to Eric when his friend spoke. "I love you too, you know,"

"Then why didn't you tell me about Michael?"

Eric finally looked at him. "I don't know. It never came up,"

Neil's hands rested on his hips. "You just wanted to have me and Michael at the same time so when you were finished with one of us, you could just roll off of one and get on top of the other!"

"Would you stop it already? I was going through a very confusing time!" Eric glared at him, eyebrows knitted furiously. He paused then to release a heavy sigh and he put out his cigarette in an ashtray, then turned towards Neil, his legs crossed to sit Indian style. "I cared so much for Michael. We worked together at the studio and then in bed, and we fucked for months. And I _knew_ he was married, but I couldn't – " he paused again. "And then we stopped, and…I'll admit, the first time you and I slept together, it _was_ because I was lonely,"

Neil crossed his arms over his chest. "I knew it," he smirked, shaking his head slowly. "Something about that sex was…_desperate_. You told me you loved me almost immediately,"

"I _was_ desperate. I was…upset, I was _heartbroken_, Neil. Do you know how hard it is to see someone you love progressing with their life, leaving you behind…seeing them getting a blow job in the room with the ice machine?"

"Do you know what it's like to find out the person you love is in love with someone else and has been the whole time?" Neil replied in a dry tone; he didn't really understand what Eric was saying when he spoke of the ice machine blowjob. Was that something Eric wanted?

Eric looked at him, one eyebrow arched inquisitively. "Ask your wife what that's like."

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I am free again_

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I am clean again_

That put Neil in his place, and he turned away to find his clothes. His eyes caught sight of the clock by the ashtray, it was getting late in the night. "I hope my room isn't full of people, fucking in _my_ bed!" he groaned, locating his undershirt.

"Isn't that the least of your problems?"

"You're right, it is the least of my problems. My problems right now are you being in love with someone else and me not being able to find my pants. Where the _fuck_ did my pants go?" Neil knelt down on the floor and began to pick through the clothes.

Eric exhaled loudly and climbed off the bed to help Neil look for his clothes. Neil ignored him, although it was difficult with the idea of naked Eric so close to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could barely see the outline of Eric's – "So you're going back to your room for the night?" he heard another voice ask.

"I don't see the point in staying here, not when you can only see Michael when you look at me," Neil replied. "And I want to make sure my room isn't trashed. I can't pay for that damage,"

"Tell me what to say, Neil. Tell me what I need to say to make this better. How about '_Michael doesn't love me anymore and he hasn't for a long time_'? What about '_Lyn doesn't love me either_'? Or should I talk about how I'm not loveable and I don't know how to love anyone either without fucking that up?"

Neil stopped running his hands over the clumps of clothes on the floor to look at Eric in disbelief. "You don't have to say anything. Please don't say things like that because it's not true,"

Eric couldn't help but laugh at Neil's protest, finding it pathetic. "It's true. I can't keep my marriage from falling apart – I love my wife and she took my son. I can't even keep Michael…but I can understand that, Helen does have a striking figure and her mouth looks – "

Neil interrupted quickly, not sure if he really wanted to hear what Eric thought of his ex-lover's wife. "But that doesn't mean it's true. I find you very lovable…and you're very good at showing love," his hand extended for Eric's, and he stroked the long thin fingers. "You're _very good_ with me,"

He saw Eric's eyes look down at their hands and Neil could see the lump in his throat when he swallowed. "You think so?" Eric finally asked, his voice very quiet.

"I know so. Why do you think I keep coming back to you?" Neil leaned forward and gently kissed the corner of Eric's mouth. He withdrew and continued to watch his friend, whose eyes were still on their hands, and his mouth was set. "I suppose I'll find my damn clothes and get back to my room before the orgy begins,"

"I _am_ sorry, for calling you the wrong name," Eric repeated his apology. "I guess I had let my mind wander. I promise it won't happen again."

Neil nodded in agreement. "You can't let it happen again, not if we're going to keep this going,"

"You do want to continue? You don't want to end this because I'm such a fuck up and I can't remember who I'm with?" Eric asked.

"Look, I never said I wanted to end this I was only leaving because you fucked up and called me the wrong name," Neil stood up then, his knees cramping from kneeling. "Eric, I love you. I've loved you for years, and I won't stop just because…because you love someone else – " he could see Eric shut his eyes, almost painfully. "And I know you love me. If you didn't, you wouldn't say it, and you wouldn't fight with me about it the way you have tonight," he extended his hands to Eric to pull him to his feet, and he kept his eyes on Eric's face to avoid looking at below his waist.

_However far away, I will always love you_.

There was a long pause from Neil as Eric kept his eyes on the floor until they moved up to drift over Neil's chest, from one dark freckle to dark freckle; Eric closed his eyes when Neil's hands held his face. He felt Neil's lips brush against his and Eric pushed into the kiss eagerly, holding onto Neil's arms and pulling their bodies together. In the kiss, Neil could feel desperation, an eager feeling from Eric with his mouth and his hands, and it felt the most eager below his waist. "Let's just move on from this, forget this ever happened," Eric said and his hands dropped to the waistband of Neil's shorts. His fingers snuck against his skin, hooking the material and pulling Neil's shorts down until they rested around his ankles.

They lay on the bed together, Neil on top of Eric who was still kissing him as if it was their last kiss. It was broken with a gasping sound and Neil continued the kiss, across Eric's jaw and down his neck, until Eric pushed on his shoulder enough to roll Neil onto his back. Eric climbed between Neil's legs and found the hardening cock with his hand to guide into his mouth, slurping up and down the smooth flesh. Neil's hands coasted through Eric's hair, holding onto his head, pulling him in closer to take more of his cock – "That's very nice, my love," Neil murmured, a smile playing on his face. "If you had let me turn around, we could have –"

"Show me how much you love me," Eric pleaded. "_Please_, Neil…"

_However long I stay, I will always love you_.

"I love you a lot," Neil said in the most honest voice he could manage. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the tube of lubricant on the bedside table, the end rolled up so it was halfway full, and his hand reached for it, nearly knocking it to the floor. He popped the lid of the lubricant tube off with his thumb and squirted a glob onto his fingers, twisting his hand down –

"_Condoms_," Eric said in a strained voice, leaning over the bedside and his own hand reached for the box on the floor. He pulled one of the condoms out and held it tightly between his thumb and fingers as he ripped the foil with his teeth, then sat back to hold Neil's cock in one hand and slide the condom down Neil's length.

Neil pushed himself up onto his knees and held Eric's shoulders to kiss him, then turned his body to shove Eric down onto the pillows, receiving a surprised noise. He started to speak but was silenced when he felt Neil's lubricated fingers press into of him, nice and slow until they were all the way inside, and then they opened and he moaned. Slowly, like Eric's motions earlier, Neil circled his fingers inside of his lover, stroking that spot, as Eric lifted his hips to move him against Neil's hand, helping to open himself more over Neil's fingers. When they withdrew from him, Eric let out a regretful sound that was silence by the shushing sound that whispered from Neil. "Put your legs up," he instructed, and laid on top of Eric as he felt his lover's legs wrap around them.

_Whatever words I say,__I will always love you._

They had both fallen asleep after sex and when it was oh so early in the morning, Eric woke up with his throat dry. He found that his arm was trapped underneath something next to him, and he looked to Neil, lying asleep on his back with his hands at his sides – Neil always fell asleep as if he was just lying there, talking to Eric, looking very relaxed and comfortable. Eric moved closer and curled his arm around Neil's head on the pillow. His fingers began to circle in Neil's hair, rubbing his scalp, and he thought about easily he had fallen for Neil, and for Michael. And as much as he cared for the two, he would fully have to give up on one, the way that one had given him up. Michael made it seem so easy to leave and even though Eric had seen that look in Michael's eye when he passed the hotel door – of curiosity and disappointment and envy – he knew it was over, even if they would always care about each other.

Neil _would_ do. Oh, Neil would be just fine and he would do just about anything Eric could ask. Swim the farthest ocean? Neil had on his swim trunks under his clothes, rip off those damn pants and shirt! Get into the most awkward position imaginable and let someone _do_ the most awkward things? Well, he _had_ already done that with Eric. And Eric could probably even ask Neil to eat a plate of worms and Neil would...perhaps not, as the line had to be drawn somewhere. Regardless, he was watching _Neil_ sleep, not Michael, and Eric thought about how _good_ he felt when he was with Neil, how he felt…_whole_…and it was nice to feel that way with Neil. Still watching him sleep, Eric thought about how he did love Neil – he really did love him. Maybe they could work something out together…

_I will always love you._

**THE END**


End file.
